An Analytical Look At the Best News Ever

Are you sitting down and prone to hyperventilating at the sound of amazing news? If not, sit down, and if so, brace yourself and go ahead and have a pillow nearby in case you faint. 


Rob Marshall (director of Pirates of the Caribbean 4) and Billy Ray (writer of The Hunger Games) are teaming up for a remake of W.S. Van Dyke’s The Thin Man.

Don’t faint yet! The best part is…

JOHNNY DEPP has been cast to play the role of Nick Charles!

Ok now you can faint.

Will broke this news to me a few days ago on the ride home and I nearly collapsed with excitement. Why? Because if you know me at all, then you automatically know these three facts:

1. The Beatles are my favorite band.

2. The Thin Man is my favorite movie.

3. Bacon is my favorite everything.

The Thin Man series has been in my life for a long time. I have my mom to thank for this because while all the other kids were sick at home watching all the “cool” movies and TV shows on cable, I was being forced to watch any and every show and/or movie that was in black and white. At first I resisted, but when I finally understood the humor of Abbott & Costello, the talent of Jimmy Stewart, and the hilarious wit and charm of William Powell and Myrna Loy, I realized that my movies and shows were the real cool movies and shows. This put a tiny stint in my social life in that I had no idea how to carry on a conversation about Boy Meets World and Even Stevens, and when my girl friends came over, none of them were interested in watching The Beatles: A Hard Days Night or oggling at the flat out hotness of Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot. And of course, none of them jumped at the idea of having a Thin Man marathon – my idea of the perfect slumber party. Weirdos.

But luckily for me, the girl friends I made in college accepted The Thin Man with open arms. Friday nights were Thin Man nights, complete with M&M popcorn and hazelnut coffee, with my framed Thin Man poster (the best birthday present my parents have ever given me) gleaming above us on the wall.

Now back to the remake. Naturally I’m a little nervous. Remakes often do no justice to its originals, leaving the die-hard fan of the original film extremely angry and dead inside, which is how I always feel when someone does a Beatles cover. But regardless of the bad remake-routine, I’m confident about this one, obviously due to the casting of Johnny Depp.

Why Johnny Depp is the best choice:

Johnny Depp can be anyone. He can be an ornery pirate (Pirates of the Caribbean), a psychotic writer (Secret Window), or a crazy and colorful Mad Hatter (Alice in Wonderland). He can be any character, in any wardrobe, and within 5 minutes of the movie you’ve already forgotten about Johnny Depp because he becomes the character. So bravo Mr. Marshall and Mr. Ray. You get an A+ from this Thin Man fanatic.

Johnny Depp’s Counterpart Options:

According to Deadline, there are 8 actresses lined up as possibilities for the part of Nora Charles – Eva Green, Amy Adams, Emma Stone, Carey Mulligan, Rachel Weisz, Kristen Wiig, Emily Blunt, and Isla Fisher. Several women to choose from, right? Eh, I think we can easily sort out the Uh, no ‘s from the mmm, maybe ‘s. Before we can do that though, let’s take a look at Nora herself.

If I could sum up all that is Nora Charles in one word, I would go with elegantclassygorgeoustallglassofwater- the point being, I can’t, because Nora is everything. She’s witty, classy, intelligent and beautiful with a touch of naivety. She adores her husband and he adores her right back, even though he jokes that he married her for her money. I mean, how can he not when his wife looks like this:

So let’s sort through the wannabe-Nora’s:

1. Kristen Wiig – I love Kristen on SNL, which is why she’s a definite no for the role of Nora Charles. When I think of Kristen attempting to be Nora, I think of two Kristen Wiig characters: The “Don’t make me sing” Lilia in the 1920s Party skits, and then of course, Mindy Grayson on Secret Word. While I know she’s funny and could pull off the quirky side of Nora, I don’t think she would successfully portray any other of Nora’s characteristics.

2. Emma Stone – Absolutely not. She’s been great in both comedy and drama, but her voice is way too low. Can you imagine Emma running around in fur coats attempting to yell “Nicky! Nicky wait!” in a high pitched semi-whining voice? I sure can’t.

3. Emily Blunt – Eh, no. There’s a lack of playfulness in her personality and one of my biggest fears about this is that Nora will be cast as not being playful enough. Emily would do well as serious Nora, but other than that, this role isn’t for her. Whoever plays Nora has to be able to be concerned for Nicky’s wellbeing, while also able to scrunch her nose at him from time to time.

4, 5, & 6. Isla Fisher, Amy Adams, Carey Mulligan – These three all get a No for the same reason – They’re girls. Being Nora Charles is not a girl’s role, it’s a woman’s role, and Isla, Amy, and Carey don’t fit the bill. Their maturity would have to rise exponential amounts before they’d be able to play a role such as this. Isla and Amy don’t belong in the film at all, but I do think Carey would be perfect as Dorothy Wynant, the daughter of the presumed killer. Dorothy is young, immature, overly dramatic, lives with a crazy family, and eventually states that she’s “just out for the ride”. Carey has experience playing a similar role as Kitty in Pride & Prejudice, and she even looks a little like Dorothy too.

Dorothy Wynant

7. Eva Green – Maybe. I don’t have a strong case for or against her. I’ve only seen her in Casino Royale and liked her for the most part.

8. Rachel Weisz – YES. Truly, Rachel is the only one who is capable of playing Nora Charles – the only one. She’s quirky yet sexy; she has a sultry voice but can also sound panicked and playful. She speaks infinitely more with her eyes than any of the other girls are capable of, and she’s a woman, not a girl. She’s it.

If you don’t believe me, do the test. Watch the first 5 minutes of The Thin Man so you can see how Nora Charles makes her first appearance – you’ll quickly realize Rachel Weisz is the only one who can pull that off. Then, obviously, watch the rest of the movie.

If you have never seen The Thin Man, figure out a way to see it. Have TCM running constantly on your TV or rent it from any remaining ghost-town Blockbusters. I would lend you mine but then I’d have to microchip you and that’s such a hassle. For anyone else who also loves The Thin Man, I’m totally up for a marathon before being Vienna-bound. And let’s keep our fingers crossed that the filmmakers make the right decision in choosing the correct Nora Charles. There’s a lot weighing on this.

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